Ah, so you seek death.
I know, I know, I heard what you said.
You want to toast a Nigerian woman — Yes, I heard you. I also heard your unspoken zest for what will eventually kill you. You are strong, I’ll give you that.
So, you want to toast a Nigerian woman and make her fall in love with you.
This is a perilous journey, young Padawan, rife with traps and pitfalls. You will lose your mind, regain it, lose it again, trade it, and replace it with a used version, like a second-hand screen in Computer Village.
To toast a Nigerian woman like hot bread on a cold harmattan morning, the warrior must embrace the part of himself he seeks to avoid. Yes, love is war and Nigerian women are winning. You must steel your mind, strong-it like the trunk of the baobab tree, turn your eyes to the sky, and pray for good fortune. Whatever I tell you will do you no good if Knackademus, the god of love, does not favor you.
First of all, you must be shameless. Cast ya home training to the four winds of the earth, it’s no good here. If you think you are too high and mighty to make the 1st move or the 2nd move and even the 14th move, you will serve small chops on her wedding day. Learn audacity, if it’s the last thing you do. A surprise attack is often the best defense. You didn’t know Sun Tzu was a Yoruba man? History will never tell you that his real name was Sunmola Tzurudeen. Remember, this is war, and in war, you do not allow your opponent to know your next move.
In your bid to be audacious, do not be obsessive or obnoxious. Desperation is a turn-off for Nigerian women — a sign of weakness, and they sniff it out like Canadian loud at a GenZ rave. Always seek consent, in all your endeavors — it is the golden rule.
Next, shower her with compliments. You must learn the ancient art of whining, passed down by oral traditions by the songwriters of old. Your mouth must be nectar-sweet and effusions must roll off your tongue like hot eba. Perfect this art by lying once a day for no reason. Why are you scratching your head? It will all make sense soon.
Nigerian love is a series of games and chief among them is the tease. This push-and-pull trick cements your place in her mind as a worthy opponent, as you both dance back and forth while sparring with words. The teasing must be double edged and jocular, signaling an interest in her affairs while stoking the fire that lies just beneath. Endeavor to prod and annoy but only lightly — you do not wish to ignite her ire as hell is filled with the cries of her victims. Are you taking this down? Sha know there will be a quiz.
Now, young Padawan, can you guess what I’m thinking? What do you mean you can’t? You are obviously not ready. Mind reading must be your forte. Many a time will arise when she does not know what she wants but she expects you to abstract that which does not exist. Why scrunch your face at something so perfectly reasonable? The men that have done it, do they have two wallets? Speaking of wallets, that must remain open. Ah but herein lies the tricky part. Do not splurge, lets she takes you for a fool and parts you from your hard-earned coin. Instead, show up in small subtle but significant ways. Always remember, timing is everything. You must hone your skill to sniff the opportunity to magically be there when she needs you. Because she will need you and when she does, your support will take you close to the finish line.
Neglect her friends to your own demise. When you court a Nigerian woman, you court a community. As you show up for her, try to add her friends to the mix. You want them on your side in the ensuing battle — your foot soldiers chiming in words of encouragement in the group chat when you ultimately fuckup. Cos fuckup, you would — that’s a given. You must, however, tread lightly. The friend group can be both sword and shield. Keep it friendly but not too friendly.
If you have played your Kuso correctly, you must prepare for a crucial step. You will be called to lay pipe on the most random of days. This is an OTP, a one-time pkoron that could make or break everything. Once consent is granted to perform this most decadent of activities, do not ask questions, do not hesitate, do not think of the prevailing causes, do not think of the second and third-order effects, do not think of her boyfriend’s missed calls, do not think. Lay that pipe like you are the last plumber in Makoko. Put in the work. Eat the work. Go the full force x distance. Wreck it like Ralph Uwazuruike. Hit all her KPIs. The whole 69 yards. Nomnomnomnomnom.
It will not guarantee her love, but walahi, it improves your chances.
All of my advice would be remiss if you do not have the grit required for this steaming miasma that is love in Nigeria. Somedays, it will feel like a clock is around your belt and this is a waist of time. This is where your consistency will be tested. You need to become a staple of her life and reject quick gains for a long-term strategy. Be ambitious, using the gift of garb to portray the life you envision for two, far far away from the clutches of poverty. Never, ever think of her men (and women) or what others do for her. You are not playing the same game. Sure, she may zone you in favor of an IJGB; raving from the currency gains. Sure, she might be receiving “one-on-one mentoring” from Chief, her very special friend. Sure, she might save your number as “Cabman42” or “Brotherly”…
But do not despair. At least, she has your number.
You must bide your time, young Padawan.
I leave you with these few words:
“Love is patient. Love is Kind. Love forgives cheating as far as Knobody Knows.”
Farewell. May Sapa never be with you.
